You’re driving your pickup truck along a deserted road on a clear, perfectly still night when a blinding light suddenly appears in front of you.

Your engine dies.

Your radio begins playing a language that sounds suspiciously like a fax machine having a nervous breakdown.

Then you see them.

Several gray aliens are gliding toward your truck.

What should you do?

DON’T STRUGGLE AND DON’T PANIC

Research has shown that 74 percent of potential alien abductees who panic end up scrambling up steep muddy inclines, diving through impenetrable forests, or hiding behind trees that would not conceal a moderately sized dog.

This is understandable.

Unfortunately, it is also useless.

If your new alien friends possess the technology to cross several hundred light-years, defeat gravity, disable your vehicle from 40 metres away, and apparently ignore all known concepts of personal space, your chances of outrunning them in a 2007 pickup are not encouraging.

• Do not attempt to fight.**

You have a wrench.

They have a spaceship.

Remain calm.

DO NOT MAKE SUDDEN MOVEMENTS

Aliens are notoriously difficult to read.

You may think you are slowly reaching for your wallet.

They may interpret this as an aggressive declaration of war.

You may think you are waving hello.

They may interpret this as a traditional Earth gesture meaning:

> “Prepare your strongest warrior.”

Keep your hands visible.

Move slowly.

If possible, announce your intentions before doing anything.

“I'm reaching for my driver's licence.”

Pause.

“I am now opening the glove compartment.”

Pause.

“I have discovered a receipt from a gas station from 2019.”

Pause.

The aliens may appreciate your transparency.

They may also remove your memories.

Either way, you have done your best.

CHECK YOUR HUMAN CUSTOMS AT THE DOOR

Shaking hands, bowing, waving, saluting, nodding, hugging and giving someone a thumbs-up are all perfectly reasonable greetings on Earth.

There is no guarantee they mean anything to aliens.

For all you know, a thumbs-up could be their equivalent of declaring:

• “Your entire species is now my property.”**

Observe your captors carefully.

If they have two arms, determine what the arms are for.

If they have four arms, resist the temptation to say:

“Cool.”

If they have twelve arms, simply accept that you are dealing with a culture that has probably developed superior jar-opening technology.

If they have no arms, do not ask how they wave.

You don't want to embarrass anyone.

MIRROR THEIR BEHAVIOR

Hopefully your abductors are humanoid.

This makes things considerably easier.

If they tilt their heads, tilt yours.

If they stare at you silently for seventeen seconds, stare back.

If they make a high-pitched clicking sound, make a slightly lower-pitched clicking sound and hope for the best.

If they all suddenly turn toward the ceiling, **also turn toward the ceiling.**

This is important.

You do not want to be the only person in the room who doesn't know about the enormous thing above you.

If they begin walking backward, walk backward.

If they begin levitating, reconsider your career choices.

DO NOT OFFER THEM EARTH FOOD

You may be tempted to establish goodwill by offering the aliens a snack.

Don't.

You have no idea what their digestive system can tolerate.

That leftover burrito that has been sitting in your truck since Tuesday could be interpreted as either:

1. a delicious traditional Earth delicacy,

2. a biological weapon, or

3. a declaration of war.

None of these outcomes is desirable.

If they request food, provide something simple.

Preferably something that has not been in your truck for six months.

GO WITH THE FLOW

Face it.

The aliens have travelled across interstellar space.

You have travelled approximately 14 kilometres since filling up the truck.

They have faster-than-light transportation.

You have a spare tyre that is technically illegal.

The strategic balance is not in your favor.

Whatever they abducted you for, it is probably going to happen.

Whether you like it or not.

Therefore, cooperate.

If they want a blood sample, give them a blood sample.

If they want a hair sample, give them some hair.

If they want to examine your elbow, try not to take it personally.

If they produce a device that appears to contain 47 needles, remain calm.

It probably only contains 46 needles.

IF THEY PROBE YOU, TRY TO RELAX

This is easier said than done.

Close your eyes.

Breathe slowly.

Imagine yourself somewhere peaceful.

A beach.

A forest.

A quiet mountain lake.

Anywhere except the metal table you are currently lying on.

Do not think about the instruments.

Do not count the instruments.

• Especially do not ask what that one is for.**

You will not like the answer.

Remember that your captors may be conducting important scientific research.

You may be helping them understand humanity.

Unfortunately, humanity may not have sent its best representative.

You are wearing cargo shorts.

ASK POLITE QUESTIONS

If the opportunity arises, attempt to establish communication.

Useful questions include:

• “Where are we going?”
• “How long will this take?”
• “Are you going to return me?”
• “Is there oxygen on this ship?”
• “Why are you interested in humans?”
• “What year is it?”
• “Did you take my truck?”
• “Can I have my truck back?”

Avoid complicated philosophical questions such as:

“Why are we here?”

You are already having a difficult enough evening.

1. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING

Alien technology may be extremely advanced.

Alien bureaucracy may not be.

If an alien presents you with a glowing tablet and gestures toward a signature box, **do not sign it.**

You don't know what you're agreeing to.

You might be signing a consent form.

You might be transferring ownership of your house.

You might be agreeing to become Earth's official representative.

You might accidentally sell Earth.

Read the fine print.

If the fine print is written in seventeen-dimensional mathematics, politely decline.

IF THEY OFFER YOU A JOB, ASK HOW MUCH IT PAYS, THEN SAY NO

This is particularly important.

Aliens may attempt to recruit you.

They may tell you that humans have unique characteristics that make you ideal for an important intergalactic position.

They may offer:

• free accommodation,
• unlimited travel,
• advanced medical care,
• a company spaceship,
• excellent benefits.

Do not be fooled.

You have no idea what the tax situation is.

IF THEY RETURN YOU, ACT NORMAL

Eventually, the aliens may put you back beside your truck.

Your engine may start.

Your watch may show that only eleven minutes have passed.

You may discover that three days have passed.

You may have a strange scar.

You may suddenly understand mathematics.

You may have absolutely no memory of what happened.

Do not immediately run into town shouting:

• “THEY TOOK ME!”**

People will ask questions.

You will have no answers.

Instead, get into your truck.

Drive home.

Lock the doors.

Check the sky.

Then tell absolutely nobody until you have figured out what happened.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T GO BACK

If you return to the same deserted road the following night because you are curious whether the aliens will come back:

• You have misunderstood the purpose of this survival guide.**

Find another road.

Preferably one with streetlights, traffic, witnesses, and a functioning mobile-phone signal.

And if you see another blinding light in the sky?

Do not investigate.

Do not take photographs.

Do not shout, “COME GET ME.”

And absolutely do not flash your headlights at the spaceship.

You don't know what that means to them.

For all you know, you've just accepted a ride.

Title: Adapted from the book: Forbidden knowledge / Owen Brooks.